It’s Never Too Late to Be Your Authentic Self

I went much of my life living from scripts that other people had written for me. From an early age, I was taught to be a “good girl” - to do what was expected of me. My family meant well, but their devotion to Catholicism and rigid ideas of what was and was not acceptable did not leave a lot of room to express myself authentically. I learned to be a people-pleaser, and while I had my moments of youthful rebellion, I mostly followed the path that was laid out for me. By the time I was 29, I had a loving husband, a nice house, and I was in a prestigious graduate program. To most outsiders, I “had it all”. I thought I did too, for awhile. 

I went through my days feeling generally satisfied with my cookie-cutter life, until I started to awaken. Realizing that I was queer marked my first significant spiritual awakening, and totally recharted my entire life. I was a planner, and I liked having control of everything - I had already mapped out the next 15 years when I realized I was attracted to women. This was not part of the plan. I knew that I had two choices: I could either pretend that this was not the case and hide it, or, I accept myself wholly and authentically. It was incredibly hard to take the honest route, knowing that going down that uncharted path could throw a huge wrench in my life plans. After a lot of sleepless nights and an enormous amount of energy spent on ruminating about what others might think, clarity shined through: I realized that lying to myself would be a great betrayal, and the consequences of that would be more devastating than the truth. 

From the time I made that decision, my life did somersaults before my eyes and morphed into something I never saw coming. With all the courage I could possibly summon, I shared my revelation with myself and those very close to me; I was met with support from a few, and several of my friends silently fell away. It was a challenging time fraught with fears, but it was also exciting - I was uncovering something in me that had been repressed all these years. I was becoming more of who I really authentically was. That was exhilarating. As I discovered more of who I was and what I wanted, I realized that my marriage was not providing what I needed in various ways, and though I desperately tried to save it, it disintegrated. It wasn’t even my queerness that drove us apart, but the years of us both unconsciously expressing our unhealed traumas within the relationship. My being queer was simply the last straw, and the impetus I needed to start over. 

Leaving that 10 year relationship devastated me - grief was my constant companion for what felt like a very long time. I had chosen to love and honor myself, and it had come at a very steep price. I had not only lost my husband and best friend, but also close friends and family. For months, it felt tragic and hauntingly lonely. Despite the consequences of making the most challenging decision of my life, I knew I had made the right one. I learned that prioritizing my happiness and wellbeing was paramount to anything else. No matter how unsupported I was by others, I knew that the love that I had for myself was the most important. It was that nourishing love that shined brightly, guiding me as I walked a dark path. It was through the grace of self-love that I got through it. 

My coming out story is a spiritual awakening story. It’s a tale of rebirth and transformation, as well as grief, self-love, and courage. Those on the path of ascending consciousness know the theme of death and rebirth too well. In order to birth the most expansive, empowered version of ourselves, we must die many times. It’s both a deep loss and a great gift to be rebirthed again and again. What this experience taught me is that we are never too old to die and be reborn. It’s never too late to be the most authentic and empowered version of you. You always have a choice, to choose yourself, and to start again. While it may feel impossible, I can assure you that there is no greater reward than loving yourself first.